With the interests of Science in mind, I want to present a series of experiments on this blog. I have a highly curious mind, and often when presented with a dilemma I find myself compelled to explore it. Now you get to reap the benefits of my suffering! :)
View the Full Casefile #O-186 photo set here!It was Cinco De Mayo. The day had passed uneventfully. As I was working the late shift, there was a distinct and woeful lack of alcohol in my bloodstream. As soon as my shift ended, I hastened to the
local boozeatorium to correct this situation.
Browsing the plentiful rows of hops-infused poisons, I pondered the significance of the day itself. Now, I'm the first to admit that, heritage-wise, I'm about 0% Hispanic. For all I know, Cinco de Mayo could be the celebration of when Santa Ana and Ignacio Zaragoza Seguín joined forces with the Pope to defeat Hitler's ghost, thus securing the right of all free peoples to enjoy Nachos Bel Grande. But I consider myself a pretty culturally sensitive guy, so rather than my usual Bavarian fare, I decided to commemorate the day with a tasty Mexican brew.
Now, I had nearly made my way to the checkout with a bomber of Dos Equis when my gaze was snared by a mostly untouched display of large, brightly-labeled bottles. Closer inspection revealed them to be "Billy's Chilies Beer," a concoction of the Twisted Pine Brewing Co., of Boulder, CO. A beer with honest-to-God peppers in it. I had to know if it was really as horrifying as I thought it might be. Besides, it didn't look like anyone else had been brave enough to sample it, so the task fell to me. Such is the cross I bear.
Upon returning home with my bounty, I began to realize the enormity of the task I had undertaken. I began to fear that my taste buds might never recover. With the justification that it was at room temperature and required chilling for proper enjoyment, the bottle was hastily stowed in the fridge in the garage. Thus four days passed, and the chili beer sat in the refrigerator; lurking in the shadows of my thoughts, haunting my dreams. My only hope of release was to finally taste the damnable stuff. So tonight, I retrieved the bottle and a glass and resigned myself to my fate.
Immediately upon cracking the bottle open, I was assaulted by the familiar smell of jalapeño peppers. This was to be the first sign of trouble: there was no hint of beer scent, only
capsicum. I don't have anything against chili peppers - in fact, I love them - but when I have a beverage that promises beer, I expect it to deliver. Within moments, the stench wafted forth from the bottle and hit my sister (not old enough to share the experience, but quite eager to document it) seated several feet away. Realizing I was only prolonging the inevitable, I poured out a glass and, took a pull of the stankey brew.
For a brief, optimistic moment, there was a dark, smoky wheat beer flavor. And then peppers. Nothing but peppers. Anaheim peppers. Serrano peppers. Jalapeño peppers. A hint of Habañero? Perhaps. No fire, no heat. Merely the flavor of the fleshy vegetables, without any of the texture or accompanying perks. It was like drinking a glass of bell pepper, without the sweetness. This was not a flavor that man was meant to experience on its own.
After about three gulps, I stepped away from the desk. The flavor of the liquid was stirring a deep, uncontrollable craving for tortilla chips. Without stopping to consider the nutritional ramifications, I got in my car and went on an emergency Taco Bell run. Interestingly enough, upon retrieving some nachos and chalupas, the chili beer became much more tolerable. Mixing with the quasi-Mexican food, the overwhelming weirdness of the pepper flavor gave way to a comforting blandness. It was as though the taste of jalapeños was present in the food itself, and the otherwise tasteless beer was washing away the elements of nacho cheese and sour cream. With some effort I managed to polish off the bottle with plenty of food left over to wipe it from my palate.
So in the end, my hypothesis held true. Billy's Chilies Beer is as weird an alcoholic beverage as I've ever put into my body. And now YOU know.
Total Rating: 1.5 of 5 Zaragozas (Only after consideration for the contributions of Fourthmeal. Otherwise it only gets one.) My recommendation - if you've already had a couple beers and there's enchiladas to nosh on, give it a shot. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
